Night thoughts

I've cried myself to sleep every night since I've left Scot. The night he did that stuff keeps playing over in my head like some sort of brutal torture device. I feel so sick to my stomach today. I thought maybe if he was nice to me and showed any kind of remorse I could forgive him. The sooner I forgive him the sooner the pain may subside. Or at least maybe I'll think less about it. I just want to forget. So, I invited him to go to dinner with me once I meet a certain weight loss goal and his reply was plain and simply "no". I thought for a minute that his cold heartedness made all of this harder to deal with but as I laid in bed last night, once more trying to fight the images in my head, I realized I was wrong. Him being an ass only makes it that much easier. It reminds me that this is not my fault. It reminds me how hard I tried for so long and it was just never enough. It reminds me that I deserve so much more than what he's done to me. Its a reminder that he's the one who's not good enough for me and no amount of loneliness can change that. It reminds me to stop giving him chances and stay the hell away. One day I'll get over this and it'll be when I least expect it. It'll slip my mind more n more every day until finally its gone for good. I'll be the one who gets to see Jadyn sit up and crawl and walk and talk. My love is strong enough, and whatever it is he thinks he feels or has ever felt just simply isn't. My weigh in today is 188.6. Its water weight fluctuation for sure. I've been drinking a lot more of it lately but I still feel sick. I'm not giving in though. I will continue to fight until I am and have what Jadyn and I both deserve!